He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
