No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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