there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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