I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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