i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
