i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
did i walk over a car last night?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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