Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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