Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
