i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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