Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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