I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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