You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
