i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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