Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have peed in a lot of sinks
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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