I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize