jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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