my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
