gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
