do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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