I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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