If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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