i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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