I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
