i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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