As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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