May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
tell me about the eggs
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
