3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
