So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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