My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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