she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
