I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
this will be a night to untag.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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