ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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