thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
