she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
