My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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