The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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