Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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