I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
did i just pee glitter
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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