Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
