your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
