All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
