he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
