May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
