Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
