Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
