Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
