you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize