apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
