Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
