I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
