someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
