i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
