Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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