my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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