She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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