Me. At least after what I've been through.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
