I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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