she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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